Are You Listening?

Complications

2008-03-21T17:16:04Z

So for those of you who don't already know, Michael and I are expecting...A little Boy who's due date was May 13.....Well the past week has been a complete nightmare I guess....I started bleeding which brought on early contractions and landed me in the hospital overnight. Luckily after a shot to stop the contractions finally kicked in and worked, and two shots of steroids for the babys lungs to mature faster they sent me home on Bed Rest....considering i am already a centimeter dialated and the baby is only 3lbs 12 oz right now we have to prolong this labor for a few weeks hopefully...
But for now, all is good....i sit around all day and do absolutely nothing and its becoming very boring now....plus i have to force myself to eat more (even when im not hungry) because how i lost 2 pounds in a week is beyond me.....I'm a sucker for Ice Cream ;) but it will all be worth it in the end. I just don't want to see my baby boy( ZAVIER MICHAEL BLAUVELT) in a hospital hooked up to machines for a few weeks.....so everyone cross your fingers for us!!!!

Lots to do

2007-11-26T17:17:27Z

Well, I guess I'm procrastinating.....Theres so much I need to get accomplished today and I just don't have the energy to do any of it....

I need to...

-go to the post office
-put deposit down on electric for new house
-put deposit down for gas....new home
-deposit down for water...
-make copy of Birth certificate take to medicaid office
-call doctors and make appointment
-do laundry and start packing

not to mention mike's mom want to take the dogs for a hike and when we get home to a 30 minute workout....now i understand that she doesn't want to get Big...but the thing is no matter what I do , I just keep getting bigger....That tends to happen when you're pregnant.....grrr. And apparently I'm not gaining enough weight, who'd know? I climbed Spencer Mountain last week....totally kicked my ass. its this little hiking trail thats like 6 miles up. I don't think I moved much once I got home.

We are supposed to get lots of snow between tonight and tomorrow. It should be exciting. It'd be better If I was prepared clothing wise. Coming from AZ where theres no need for boots or anything. Not to mention any sweatshirts I do have don't fit anymore thanks to the baby...lol. I guess its just an excuse to go shopping....if my car would work!!! haha

I am beyond excited to move into my own house again. I love mikes parents to death but itll be nice to have my own space again. granted we dont have a couch yet ( we tossed our old ones when we moved) it'll get there. Anyways, I guess I should get going .....

aquagirl123 @ 2007-11-15T09:38:00

2007-11-15T16:47:22Z

Wow.....I think its been a while since I last wrote anything. Anyways I guess its time for some updates.

I came on a mini vacation to Montana in the begining of september to visit with mike and his parents (mike had moved and i was supposed to when the lease was up.) Well I flew standby on a buddy pass and when it came time to return to arizona the flights were booked for two days. So my lovely work decided to tell me i didn't have a job unless I made it back by a certain time that was not accomplishable. So I stayed in montana got a job and here I am. ( We did go back to move all our things and get the cars and drive them back)...

...So I finally got a house and move into it on Dec. 1st.....I can't wait to have my own place once again. ....oh yea.....I guess big news is that I am pregnant just about 4 months now. If I ever stop this so called morning sickness thing I would be enjoying this so much more (been going on since week 5......=()

I live only about 8 miles from The Big ( The ski resort) I was so excited to snowboard but I guess theres always next year for that.

Well I am off.....I'm hungry as usual....

LIE.TO.ME.ONCE.AGAIN.

2007-07-26T04:17:24Z

DON'T ACT LIKE AN ANGEL
YOU'VE FALLEN AGAIN
YOU'RE NO SUPERHERO
I FOUND IN THE END

YOU SAID YOU'D BE THERE FOR ME
NEVER LET ME FALL
ALL THOSE TIMES I SHARED WITH YOU
WERE YOU EVEN THERE AT ALL?

LIE TO ME ONCE AGAIN
TELL ME EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT
LIE TO ME ONCE AGAIN
ASK YOURSELF BEFORE WE SAY GOODBYE
WELL GOODBYE
WAS IT WORTH IT IN THE END?

Do you ever find yourself knowing what you should do to change your future but so terrified to take that step that you keep dragging it out hopeing itll change so that your life doesn't get so complicated?

I'm working most of everyday at stage trying to fix the mess that all those before me created and get it into some sort of order which at this point seems impossible. The days off there I am working up at Domino's, which is fine. I really wish I could catch up my bills for the way I've been working though.

The home life lately really stinks so I guess I'd rather be at work making money. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be around someone who can't tell you that you mean something to them at all? Nothing. Maybe some comments to crush your already low self esteem. emotionally I know this is not good for me. But it wasn't always this way. So I wait for things to change knowing they really wont , or if they do it wont last long. I cant tell you how many times I've been through this. You would think I'd learn my lesson by now. But then I have no one else here. All my family is at least 2000 miles away and friends, who has those? and when is there time to do shit after work? ...........Things have to start looking up sometime right?

Anyways, not much of an update really I guess. But I cant think of much else to say tonight.

Goodnight

aquagirl123 @ 2007-07-22T20:38:00

2007-07-23T03:44:45Z

So things have been so messed up its crazy. I think either Mike is cheating or just wants to. I asked him yesterday he said no, but he does't know if he wants to be with me anymore because my "attitude". well, he says he wont break things off. But here I am thinking hell why wait. Apparently I have already wasted like years and years with someone afraid to fully commit and I don't think it should drag out forever. But anyways hes acting like he all cares and shit again.

and i almost had a baby. that scares me the most,

Well i am back to working 2 jobs but its not that bad. it gives me something to do plus, dominos isnt that bad the people are awesome and its the closest thing to my social life ive gotten since ive been here and it keeps my moods up.

im thinking of getting my own place maybe......no roomates.......just me......maybe far away......i dont know.........

my heart is under arrest again
but i break lose
my life is giving me life or death
but i cant choose

is someone getting the best of you?

aquagirl123 @ 2007-07-19T21:40:00

2007-07-20T05:03:18Z

do you ever wish that you could just start over?

what would happen if i left?

would i regret giving up or be happier?

So right now i am at home all alone. I guess im looking for a day where staying home with your other is just as fun as going out. I'm sorry that I am not a huge partier. i can have just as much fun going out with people or staying in my home drinking and shit. i am not 18 anymore i dont need to leve to go to some high school chicks house with no parents to drink. i have my own appertment and im 21???jesus. Now im all upset. I just made assis, manager at the dept store i work at. and now im wanting to leave everything behind almost. i dont have anyone out here. Everyone seems to have no goals here. there is nothing to do, i miss my friends like none other, maybe i am just a little tipsy and drinking alone tends to bring out all the issues.

i am beyond stressed with all of our debt. and then mike thinking of moving in with his parents for a couple months to make money to get us out of debt. well hes gonna leave me here? now i dont know but normally if you love someone you ask them to come with you or you dont go. i have chased him everywhere and honestly i dont want him to leave but i am getting to the point thinking of leaving myself if he leaves me stuck one more time. i hate payson with a passion. i hate feeling so stuck and so alone. i am a very passionate person. I enjoy simple things, and i dont need much except to know that someone cares about you and your future. sometimes it just hurts so much to be here. for everyone to think you are this total loser with no friends or anything. but honestly all i am doing is going to work to pay the bills and the friends i do have here are at my jobs so actually i dont think its thant bad. but my best friend is michael and spending time with him is like being with your best friend. but lately he seems to not have time for the relationship side of this whole thing and its tearing me up inside, i keep waiting for the day to come once again where he can drop all the other people and just sit, hold my hand and watch a movine with me or something.i realize that when you live with someone you feel since you see them everyday that you are already hanging out with them. but theres no talking no nothing. and its like im sleeping next to a stranger sometimes. it makes me want to cry. the few moments you have before you close your eyes even after a busy day you can make it seem worth while just by saying goodnight. -do you see where im coming from?- taking the time to think of someone just before you go to sleep if no time throught the day, makes everything seem alright. that everything is fine. that everything is perfect regardless of the situations you are in.

i remember being in mi while mike was out here it was the longest 6 months of my life. but even after working two full time jobs and going to school full tim just hearing his voice on the phone every night before bed, just hours away from a new day made it seem like the whole day was worth it. i lived for those calls....for that voice. to hear the how are yous the i miss yous and the i love yous. sometimes it hurts now because the need to say those things arnt as strong im always right there right next to you in bed. im always there in the morning im always there after work.its just not the same though. i shouldnt matter in my eyes whether you are 2 thousand miles away or two inches everyone deserves to hear all those things no matter how close or far you are. and that leaves me here tonight................alone.

goodnight.

I promise you

2007-06-26T01:14:48Z

Michael and my roomate finally got a job. I am so stoked because I can't tell you how worried I was getting about supporting myself and two others on my income alone. It's starting to look up now.

Anyways, work is good, better then the BK lounge let me tell you. plus I got offered the supervisor position on men's, young mens and shoes! More $$$. Haha.

Well I shall be going, I had a crazy day 9-12 2-5 630- close.......last part of my shifts today.....see you later

aquagirl123 @ 2007-06-18T19:18:00

2007-06-19T02:22:26Z

It is so nice to have a job where you actually get your two days off let me tell you!

I'm getting a lil stressed about all the bills that just keep coming. but itll all work its way out eventually

Have a great night all

Life Changes Drastically

2007-06-13T05:07:25Z

    I need to get something off my chest right now. If you continue to read this entry then please don't judge me, and if not, I don't mind none the less. Either way, this is for me to get some emotions out. That's what a journal is for correct?

    The past two months have been a rollar coaster for me. First I found out that I was pregnant. We went through our options and ended up on decieding to keep the baby. We told everyone, and even made plans to move to montana so we had family around when the baby came. After a couple of weeks of me being terrified I began to be excited, as well as Michael. Then my entire world came crashing down. I was nearing the end of a 14 hour shift at work and I buckled down in pain. It took me about an hour to realize it was an extreme emergency and found my way to the hospital. 12 hours later they released me and with the conclusion that we lost our baby. I was beyond upset. I can't even come up with words to discribe the pain and the hurt you feel when you have to go through. Its exactly one month from that and I am still finding myself extremely depressed during certain points throughout my day. Sometimes it'll be hard to drag myself out of bed to face another average day. But its not average anymore. I still feel empty sometimes and hurt. It doesn't just disappear.

    We still planned to move at the end of this month just to get away, and maybe try to start a family, planned this time. But then my ex roomate and two of his friends came by and jumped mike in our apartment complex which left mike in jail for a night. all because we called and made a police report on them when they stole a bunch of our things. now we have court dates for that and we cant leave and i just feel stuck. I am alright with where I am but I was so set with our plans and everything just changed. I keep hoping I wake up from this dream. But this is the reality i have to face. Now my dad is disappointed that i lost the baby as if it was my fault. does he not understand that this hurts? geez.

Anyways I know it will get bvetter with time. Just right now I can't seem to conquer some of these issues as fast as i would like to.

Official

2007-04-17T05:19:41Z

....i am now the assistant manager at BK. honestly I am beyond tired at this point, everything gets to me. i need a vacation so bad. working for the person you live with, well it kinda sucks sometimes. you get treated differently than others for the sole fact they think they know you. inside and out. which honestly i dont think anyone pays enough attention to who i really am. somedays i am two seconds away from quiting that god aweful place, but i have bills to pay. i feel like im working 80 percent of my life. nights like tonight i dont want to sleep because i dont want tomorrow to come. i want more time to myself.

me and mike got into it today. im very moody lately. and i dont control myself very well when i get to that boiling point. i assume alot and i dont trust anyone. its a huge problem sometimes. i hate the way things have ended up in my life. mike thinks the reason we clash sometimes is because i am ready to settle down and hes not at that point in his life. and to tell you the truth neither am i. all i want is to come home to my home and feel relaxed not stressed because theres alot of people here. something about me, is i get stressed and like to many people that honestly dont know me make me on edge. i guess its to much for me to handle. i dont like crowds at all they make me nervous and fidgety. i want to have fun just like the rest of you. im not ready for a marriage or kids or anything of the sorts. but what i can say is that i am ready to actually mean something to someone. to be committed and to know the feelings of someone else. i should have to guess or reassure myself that though i dont hear anything that everything is alright. it should be that im scared to ever say anything because of the threat that i may not be seeing someone. i feel like its that i tell myself all the time that everything is just amazing in my life right now and eventually itll all be worth while. but how long do you wait.

today mike said we werent dating but hes with me. i dont know the difference really i guess. you call me baby, you hold my hand you kiss me and hell nothing has changed but you dont tell me that you love me you dont tell me you care. it hurts to be honest. its like the constant reminder that one day this is just going to fall to pieces and im going to hear ...."well we werent dating" and hell, anyone would be on edge. if you cared enough that is.

anyways im going to bed i have another 11 hour day ahead of me tomorrow.

goodnight

aquagirl123 @ 2007-04-07T00:29:00

2007-04-07T07:40:01Z

So right now I am completely pissed or well upset really. We have a bunch of people over tonight pretty much like every other night. But everyone is usually etarded as fuck. When I am ready to go to bed everyone is to loud and disrespectful to even think that hell...amanda is upstairs trying to sleep. And then mike just never comes to bed til its too late for any quality time. he doesnt even realize that the past week ive cried myself to sleep. hed be right next to me and i would be balling my eyes out, and yet he doesnt notice. I don't get it. I just want for once things to be about us. no one else. no more favors. this is the way it starts all over again just as things were starting to look up.

Mike got into an accedent a few days ago so there went our plans to go to the valley on our last day off together for god knows how long. and now that day is goiong to be just like the rest. just like the last week of my life has gone.

I feel like shit still. yet that doesnt matter much. Part of me just wants to get up and leave this place sometimes. this is what makes me want my own place so that when i just wanted some quiet and peace and some time where i didnt have to feel like im a babysitter that i could just escape and give up on everything here. but this is my house. and its only a party house and it gets old. its the house where there is always someone on the couch. there are always people over doing something. but its never just a place where i feel i can do what i want. i cant curl up on the couch and read a book without haveing two or more people next to me playing a game or watching a movie which is really distracting. It's almost one in the morning and noone realizes they are being qwuite loud considering.

Fuck......I hate this place, I hate this day.

Mike let his friend borrow my belt....not just any belt but my only belt that i wear everyday and yea sure it shouldnt be a big deal, but no one asked me, and its mine. and if i wear it every day why would you just hand it off like i wont miss it? and then not even tell me. its bull shit.

well im going upstairs and shit hopefully they shut the fuckk up soon

Fucking shit

2007-04-06T06:37:27Z

Sometimes I just hate where I am with life.
Not just life, but in an emotional sense as well.

You make urself seem content, but then just everything gets to you and just want toscream and say....no everything is not OK. Infact everything is wrong, is everyone blind?

I cant stand this place sometimes, my insides are screaming

I'm the type of girl who will look you dead in the eye

2007-03-19T05:24:16Z

Do you ever wAke up An juSt know WHAt YOU WANT out of evERy DAY, AnD eACh DAy YoU LIVE AS if EVERYTHING IS PERFECT REgARDLESS? ONE DAY ALL YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE>>>>>THIS IS PATIENCE AT ITS BEST

JUST SO YOU KNOW MY COMPUTER IS ACTING DRUNK RIGHT NOW>>>>DONT KNOW WHY

I've never left

2007-03-13T08:06:26Z

What about now
what about today?

Do things actually get better, or do you just get better at fooling yourself that you forgot it was all a lie.

I've been in one of those moods tonight where I cant seem to make sense of much but yet \I continue to thin about it all. I think about the past trying to figure out the future and all that sort of shit. I am not going to lie I have been going through a really tough time, and I am dealing with it in a way I never have before and I have no clue on how to do anything else. Being out here sometimes I just feel so alone and theres just nothing for me to do about this so the best solution is nothing. pretend nothing is ever wrong and nothing is ever great and i will stay stable. no one can suspect anything when nothing is shown. my mom straight out asked if i was seeing mike again today and you know, hell if i know. i dont ask questions afraid of being hurt and afraid of knowing the truth good or bad. if not then ill be mad about howq things are with us now and how cant we? and if we are then ill be upset that theres the constant possibility that i will be torn apart even worse then before. so instead i sit here in silence with millions of words on my mind but none to escape my mouth. i doubt id beable to tell anyone exactly what i was thinking.

part of me is dead and in the ground

aquagirl123 @ 2007-03-03T13:41:00

2007-03-03T21:44:20Z

Lets start over
I'll try to do it right this time around
It's not over
Cuz part of me is dead and in the ground
This love is killing me
But you're the only one

My life with you means everything
So I won't give up that easily.

You can't let this get away

Don't get caught up in yourself.

......................................................................Where are you?..............................................................................

aquagirl123 @ 2007-02-26T20:39:00

2007-02-27T04:43:59Z

I am pretty faded right now, so whatever i say dont hold it against me.

Do you ever let things start to get to you just because you realize that you havent heard anyone tell you they love you since, well, you cant remember when?
Or how about just break down and let things get to you just because you are tired. and even though you know you are strong, get mad at those who will believe that you never break down every once in a while?
or you can sit a believe that eventually things will be perfect, the way they should be for how hard you work. only afraid you are kidding yourself and digging a deeper hole?

sometimes i feel like i was dropped in the middlle of the ocean, in th biggest storm of the year with the inability to swim. so you sit just watching yourself go.

OPEN YOUR EYES

2007-02-22T02:07:33Z

ALRIGHT, I AM JUST IN ONE OF THOSE THINKING MOODS RIGHT NOW. SERIOUSLY, DO PEOPLE THINK I AM STUPID AND THINK I NEVER CATCH ON TO THINGS, OR AM DEAF TO THOSE THINGS SAID.

BLAH. I AM FACED WITH WHAT CONFUSES ME MOST. WHAT IS LOVE? LIKE, I THOUGHT I KNEW. I GAVE MY ALL TO ONE. MOVED TWO THOUSAND MILES FROM HOME, CHANGED MY OPINIONS TO PRO-CHOICE AFTER ALOT OF HARD DESICIONS, AND FUCK IF THAT IS EVER ENOUGH. BLAH.......NOT THAT MANY WOULD UNDERSTAND. BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO SHAKE THIS FEELING AND SOMEHOW IM LEFT THINKING ABOUT HOW SOMEONE CAN JUST BE NORMAL ONCE AGAIN. HOW YOU CAN DROP IT ON A DIME, LIKE IT NEVER MATTERED. OR BEABLE TO BURY IT SO DEEP INSIDE THAT YOU CAN PRETEND YOU DONT.

I CANT RUN, THERES NOTHING LEFT FOR ME.

SO WHATS NEXT I ASK, DO I CONTINUE ON THIS PATH AND HOPE? AND THEN HOPE FOR WHAT?

I DIDNT HAVE A BAD DAY. NOT EVEN REMOTELY SO DONT ASK WHY I AM ASKING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. BUT WHY CANT THINGS JUST WORK OUT FOR ME? TRUST ME, ITS NOT THE BEST THING TO GIVE YOUR ALL................NOW HERE I STAND BUILDING THIS WALL I WILL NEVER BREAK DOWN, FOR FEAR OF FEELING THIS FEELING OVER AND OVER A THOUSAND TIMES OVER. NEVER AGAIN, ITS BEYOND HURT. ITS BEYOND CONFUSION. IT MAKES YOU FEEL SO HELPLESS, YOU PUT ON THIS ACT, HOPING IN A FEW MINUTES ITLL PASS. YOU HIDE FROM THE RISKS. YOU WALK AWAY WITH WORDS UNSPOKEN. AND BEGIN TO KEEP LIVING IN THIS WORLD, WONDERING IF ITS ALL GOING TO BE WORTH IT IN THE END.

I LIE AWAKE, AND I TRY TO SAY EVERYTHING. BUT YOU LIE NEXT TO ME, ASLEEP OBLIVIOUS TO THE PAIN. SO I TURN MY BACK TO YOU AND HIDE FROM THE FEELINGS ONCE AGAIN, ONLY TO WAKE UP TOMORROW WISHING IT WAS OVER AND THINGS WERE GOOD AGAIN

aquagirl123 @ 2007-02-20T17:34:00

2007-02-21T01:45:01Z

It's a long way back to reality, she puts another
Brick in the wall of shame she made so long ago
Trying to figure out where things went wrong
Searching through all the lies she told
Somehow she missed out on all the things that
She needed most days spent wondering why this
Life is so cold and nothing ever changes

Screaming for attention, watch the sun steal
Yesterday
Hiding all emotion far away

Trying to find his self confidence, another
Broken heart behind the painless smile that he
Shows reminded that yesterday is so far gone
And tomorrow is still a miracle somehow he
Missed out on all the things he needed most days
Spent wondering why this life is so cruel and
Nothing ever changes

Tomorrow's still a miracle

Well, Carl is now here visiting. Last night we all had a huca session...."sex on the beach" amazing. lol.
Today we had alfonso's, skated a bit and then some soccer. It was not bad, a bit cold outside though. We had some interesting conversations. Blah............I am so done asking questions or bringing curiousity to my life....it makes me think way too much.

SO TIRED

2007-02-18T21:06:46Z

So I think I took care of my problems....lol. The other night I told one of the guys to get out of my house.....I feel bad, but then again he knew he couldn't live here. He said he'd only be staying with us for a week tops and its been three and he doesn't have a job. Plus in just one month our electric bill tripled...159 dollars. when it was just me and mike it was only 57 bucks. we are kinda pissed knowing we have to pay for it. which left mike to tell sean he has until the 28th to pay us everything he owes us and have a steady job or he needs to find another place to live. It's nice knowing I'm not the bitch. But seriously.....how can someone go two months and not even feel bad about not paying any of the bills. He never even picked up an application to get a job....so yea. I'm curious as to whats going to happen.

Everything lately had been so stressful....its bill time, i have no money but I'm working like 10-14 hour days. It's so frusterating.

I'm thinking of a vacation...........anyone want to go with me???lol

.........echo.........

2007-02-17T06:58:15Z

Any advice on how to kick people out of your house and basically tell them they are pieces of shit without full on yelling at them to leave?

I hate that no one is respecting me. We always have people over, its constantly the hang out place, and just once, just one night, i didnt want anyone over, and one of the guys takes the girls up to bk just to piss me off and wait til mike gets off work....i think its total bulshit....i mean grrrrrrrrrr

I hate the way things are right now, i hate that this house doesnt feel like my home anymore. i hate that i am afraid to walk around in my pajamas afraid of who might just walk in the door like they own the place. im sick of working my ass off and supporting people who dont give a damn or even try to get a job for themselves. im just so tired in general. im sick of hearing all the guys be pigs and talking about sleeping with the most girls....can you believe i was downstairs watching a movie with mike and one of them has this girl having phone sex and he puts her on speaker just to share with mike.....who does that? total disrespect. like i needed to hear that? fuck........... who the hell cares here anymore.....i wish i could just escape. someone come steal me please.

no but seriously....how am i supposed to deal with this? someone help me........please?

aquagirl123 @ 2007-02-15T23:31:00

2007-02-16T06:50:16Z

Speechless and frozen
Uncomfortable silence again

Battered and Bruised
Broken, Confused
It's time we both knew
I can't stop what I started
This time we both lose

I'm in the middle of a breakdown
Watching you SCREAM
In the middle of a breakdown
Screaming AT ME

So my lide is so confusing right now...but then again most everyones is at one point. I just wish someone would just tell me what to do without judgments or ways it would benifit them. Some tell me to find a roomate and move back home in a couple months or sooner. Others tell me to stay where I am at. And part of me wants a lil bit of everything as well as a new adventure. Grr...

My sister told me the other day that my step dad might lose his job if not get transferred to another state so even then they may be moving. Plus I am not a fan of the cold winters at home. But I miss all of my friends, and I wish I had them here. Have I soldyou all on the wonders of payson??? lol. 90 miles from any city whatsoever, only store is walmart. oh and burger king....best food ever....lol.....trust me it sucks.

My neck is killing my today, I think I slept wrong. I just got home from closing the store and my goodness I think I might have pissed of all my employees. One of the hispanic cooks is constantly touching my arm or back when he talks to me or like stands to close....I can't stand it. I like to have my space and I hate when people are always touching me especially when i am working so i like kinda flipped out on him. and the other two...well they were fucking around way too much and I was tired of them.....lol....guess i cant yell at them for them being immature....anyways I'm glad I'm done for the night...i have to be in from 10-6 tomorrow though.

I am so tired of having these people live with me....I wish I could leave....or at least kick them out

OH AND BY THE WAY

2007-02-14T03:42:17Z

dO YOU EVER FIND IT WAY EASIER TO PRETEND YOU DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON AROUND YOU?

LATELY I HAVE FELT LIKE I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO STEP OUTSIDE MY BODY AND WATCH EXACTLY THE WAY THINGS REALLY ARE AROUND ME. BUT THEN I JUST WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY AND BURY THE PAIN SO DEEP THAT I AM ABLE TO PRETEND THAT IT NEVER HAPPENED.

I THINK SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY WRITE A RULEBOOK ON HOW TO FIND A VALENTINE JUST HOURS BEFOORE THE DAY ARRIVES. I HAVE YET TO HAVE A VALENTINES DAY WHERE SOMEONE ACTUALLY CARED FOR ME. I REMEMBER GROWING UP AND MY STEP DAD WOULD ALWAYS BUY ME A FLOWER OR A CARD OR SOMETHING AND LEAVE IT ON THE TABLE BEFORE HE LEFT FOR WORK. I WOULD WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND FEEL JUST AS IMPORTANT AS MY MOM WHO'D GET A NECKLACE OR SOMETHING. THEN AT AGE 15 HE STOPPED AND SINCE THEN....I'VE YET TO FIND SOMEONE, WHO AT THAT MOMENT WAS ABLE TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS TOWARD ME....EVEN IF IT WAS COMPLETELY PLATONIC. I DONT KNOW WHY BUT IT MAKES ME KINDA DEPRESSED THIS TIME OF YEAR. WATCHING EVERYONE ELSE AND ALL. I LIVE WITH THREE GUYS RIGHT NOW, AND OF THEM IT SEEMS LIKE THEY ARE ALL DOING SOMETHING EVEN THOUGH THEY DONT HAVE SOMEONE YOU KNOW...IT KINDA MAKES YOU FEEL STUPID WHEN YOU SAY YOUR BIGGEST PLANS INCLUDE YOUR PJS AND THE TV.....GRRR

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE....I FOUND 1 GAS STATION IN PAYSON THAT SELLS JONES SODA NOW....ITS AMAZING....DO YOU KNOW THAT IN ARIZONA THE ARIZONA ICE TEAS ARE MORE EXPENSIVE.....YEA KINDA WEIRD

SO NOW I AM JUST RAMBLING ON BECAUSE I AM BORED....SO YEA

HAVE A GREAT NIGHT

aquagirl123 @ 2007-02-13T15:57:00

2007-02-13T23:07:46Z

So I have the day off today and what have I done? Nothing really. I hate living in a small town. I mean lets see....I can go to walmart....but I only have 12 bucks. Blah, I hate this place sometimes....Not to mention its about to storm.....

Any Ideas on how to amuse myself today?

aquagirl123 @ 2007-02-13T00:17:00

2007-02-13T07:22:17Z

So work sucked pretty bad tonight. Everyone is seriously getting on my nerves. I wish I could wake up and everyone would just act grown up for once. grr...

I'm tired of drama around here. I don't like being this stressed out and no one around to bring my sanity back. I think I want to plan a trip to california and just chill on the beach for like 2 weeks and feel like a million bucks. yeah........a vacation sounds nice.....maybe thats what i should do with my tax returns.....hm.....

anyways im gonna watch a movie and go to bed....but i have tomorrow off......rock on

aquagirl123 @ 2007-02-12T11:39:00

2007-02-12T18:50:28Z

do you ever want to just drop everything and take off for even just a day. just to escape, just once.

I hate payson so much. way to small, nothing to do but work really. There's no one here my age who isn't a damn tweaker or that speaks a word of english.

And being a manager at burger king.....not the best either. they are trying to put me on salary so i'll stay but honestly i want to go somewhere else...maybe cali or something.

We have this new lady working for us right now and well she drive me to the point of insanity. shes beyond nosey....last nigh t i went in to get dinner and she was like i hope you get fat.... and then proceeds to twitch and shit......its kinda humorous sometimes because ive never seen people like they are here. but it makes you so mad cuz they dont give a shit.

not to mention i have like two of mikes friends living here right now and they basically dont pay a dime, and it bothers me because i work my ass off and hell if i wasnt stuck in a lease i could have my own place right now and not have to deal with any of this.

i'm becoming more fluent in burger king spanish....i am awesome....lol